Saturday, July 18, 2009

Damaged Americans in Flight

There's a not so new idea that airlines are again considering. With the economy being what it is, and airlines being the one industry that it's seemingly impossible to make a buck in, they are again considering charging passengers by the amount they weigh. Just like carrying extra baggage or shipping heavy items will cost you more, now it will cost you more for the Ben & Jerry's you just couldn't step away from.

There's solid logic here. It costs more money to carry my butt across the country. I require more fuel to to haul across Arkansas than it does to transport my daintier counterparts, therefore I should pay more. If only fat people could stay away from Hometown Buffet, they would get to pay less just like everyone else. I get it.

I do also get that food can be an addiction, and that sometimes a person's weight can be outside their direct control. (It's cool, scoff away skinny people.) Some people need help managing the reasons behind why they eat. I believe that the same life events that send people to drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, religion, anorexia, or many other things that victimize them, can also send you to the Pizza Hutt with shaking hands.

Plus, there are people who are just outside the norm. They do things differently than "normal" people, and they shouldn't escape Corporate America's close eye. With that in mind, I'd like to propose some additional charges for fellow passengers who have proclivities that may not be socially acceptable.


You stink a little. I know you think you don't. I know you don't smoke in the house. Still...I'm just sayin'.

Don't get me wrong, I used to smoke and I loved it. I loved everything about it. Now though, many years removed from my addiction, I have to admit that I stunk too. It comes with the habit.

Because your smell will be an annoyance to the people stuck sitting around you, you should have to pay each of them $10.00. This will not be an airline fee, but rather an agreement worked out amongst armrest sharers.

The "Flying is a Party" Person

We all like to drink, but you never want the party to stop. You're generally fun at the airport bar before it's time to board, but no one really wants to be stuck sitting beside you on the plane. You have the propensity to get loud on long flights, and you tend to get sick in the tiny closet toilets leaving them smelling worse than usual.

Because of your inability to cope without assistance from the major bottling companies of America, you should pay an additional 33% "Handling" fee.


Us straight people don't get it. First, with Lesbians, what's the draw? Everyone knows sex isn't sex with just girls involved. It's simple physics. With Gay Men, it's just gross. Butts are not natural places to express love. It's just dirty and abnormal...not at all like good clean anal sex shared by straight married couples.

Add the fact that you are all damned to hell, and I do not want to share a flight with you. Who knows when God will strike His vengeance upon you? I don't want to be there when it happens.

You're allowed to purchase tickets (at twice the normal rate) but should not actually be allowed on the flight.

Parent of a Crying Child

I know you and your family have shit to do and places to go. I get this. I don't expect you to drive across the country when you want to see grandma. I'm not heartless. Still, I cannot pretend I wouldn't rather be chewing glass than listening to your kid bawl his/her heart out for three hours straight. I'm sure you're nice people, but seriously.

In order to fly you should have to pick up the bar tab for everyone within 1-10 rows of your location (in both directions), and buy the first round for everyone in rows 11-15. It's the right thing to do.

The Witness

Just because I'm stuck on a plane with you doesn't mean I should be subjected to your beliefs. I really don't care, and am pretty sure that no one else on a Monday morning flight to Minnesota cares either.

If you want to share, you must do so from a special section of the plane that is populated by other people who want to share their beliefs too. You will pay double, and you'll consider yourself fortunate.

I think it's only fair. Add these charges, and I won't complain at all about the humiliation of standing on a scale and watching the price of my ticket jump through the roof. I'm sorry to all the gay alcoholic smoking religious parents of crying children out there if I came across as harsh. I just don't want to get stuck picking up the tab for all of us.

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