My Kick Ass Life

So, last night I was just hanging out, pulling up directions to get to a church my cousin is getting married in tonight, when the phone rang. Who was it? Edward Fucking Norton, that's who.

Ed "Fight Club" Norton was just calling to say hey, and let me know that I need to vote for Obama. He reminded me that I don't need to sit around and wait until Election Day to do it. I can vote early in the great state of Ohio. Mr. American History X then went on to tell me where to go to have my voice heard.

My life kicks so much ass.

Now, you might be like "So what? Who cares." And I'm guessing you would be one of the millions who didn't hear from Ed Norton last night. Your jealousy is embarassing.

Random Fact About Me #452

When I have a cup of coffee in my hand and I'm walking back to my desk, I have to stare at it to keep it from slopping over the side of the mug. If I'm not completely focused on the cup of coffee and my mind wanders, it's like I'm transformed into a Parkinson's patient shaking and stumbling toward my ergonomic desk chair. I might as well dump the fucking pot over my head and get it over with.

If I bear down and really focus though, I can actually make it back to my desk without burning the shit out of myself.

This morning, my mind wandered and my hand is still stinging.

I so want to be like the IT guys I see on our floor. They just march around the room, hands gesticulating while the while keeping that sweet black liquid at an even level in their cups. They laugh with each other when telling stories of a Tier 1 user attempting to access a database that has been unused for months while sipping absently from steaming mugs that say "World's Best Dad". I want to be able to sip absently. I want to know the appropriate time to transition from coffee to Diet Mt. Dew. I want to know what a Tier 1 user is.

Later though.

For now, I just need another cup of coffee and I'm going to have to direct all my energy into not hurting myself on my way back. Wish me luck.

Sleepy

So, I'm sitting here wondering to myself about when a new friend can become an old friend when I don't really have many friends at all so I don't want to transition the ones I have too soon lest I tip the scales too far in one direction and be caught without a new friend and just a bunch of tired old ones that I'm a little bit sick of.

I'm going to be then.

Night.

Snooze

Ahhh, the quiet life.

Jen, still trying to get over a cold and failing miserably, spent the weekend on the couch, leaving me to my own devices. I failed to get creative and spent most of the time hanging around her, fetching soup and Diet 7Up with liberal doses of cranberry juice added.

Saturday morning we had to go do ACT testing. This is something we each do for some extra spending money, and it's easy work. The supervisors are set up in individual classrooms, and I just roam around my assigned rooms, giving them breaks if they want them. Basically, I get paid to read my book in the company of teenagers. (Speaking of books, I'm reading "Heart Shaped Box" by Joe Hill. Good stuff. It wasn't until someone saw me reading it that they mentioned Joe is Stephen King's son. I hadn't realized, but now looking at his picture I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm about half through the book though, and it is really good. I've been striking out with my reading lately, so it's been fun to get into something again.) Not a bad gig. Plus, it's paying for my Kim Jong iLL frames and will finance a new creative endeavor I've got in the works.

It's strange to go back to a school though. Like the hospital, it's one of those worlds that are so easy to forget, but feel so familiar once you're forced to step back into it.


My view while patrolling the halls.

After testing, we had plans to go run around and do some shopping and then head over to my brother's place to see my sister-in-law (home from the hospital and doing well) and watch a football game that neither Jen nor I had much interest ing. She was feeling worse than ever though, so we cut our errands short and headed home. That's where she stayed the rest of the weekend.

I watched some slasher (Hatchet, Mr. Brooks) movies, played Dr. Mario with the infected one, did what cleaning I felt like and headed out on Sunday for our weekly supplies of frozen whole wheat waffles and Coke Zero. Jen slept on the couch both Saturday and Sunday, so I fell asleep each night watching reruns of the US version of The Office.

Big times, kids. Big. Times.

A Few of My Favorite Things

There are a few things that I'm totally hooked on right now and I thought I'd share. In no real order of importance:

Toilet Ink - Jen and I kind of have his and hers bathrooms. Mine is in the hall close to the extra bedroom that we use as a den. One of these glorious creations will be spicing up my throne post haste. Not 100% sure which one I'm getting yet, but pretty sure that it will be "The Hot Seat.

TV on the Radio - I've loved this band since I stumbled blindly upon the "Young Liars" EP and they are consistently good. The new album is amazing and totally worth picking up. I don't know if it's as good as their previous album "Return to Cookie Mountain", but this is a bit more fun and funky, and not quite so dark. If you want to hear what they do, but don't want to pay cash money up front, check out their free live set on the The Interface - Live Feed podcast from iTunes.

This American Life - I'm a bit of a Public Radio / NPR geek. It's OK, I'm fine with it. It's the news I listen to when I'm in the car, and entertainment for me when I'm running around on the weekends. Specifically though, This American Life is hands down the best hour of radio you will ever hope to find. For those unfamiliar, each week there is a theme for the show, and each week they explore different perspectives of that theme from (generally) three or four different people. The topics range from topical (the Mortgage Crises episode was brilliant beyond words) to emotional (coping with death, lying, etc.). The different views or approaches to a subject can be in the form of a book reading, interviews, stand up, or journalistic style reporting. Often, the experience is moving. Again, iTunes has the show available for free Podcasting, so don't be shy. Go subscribe. Fall in love. Then, go to their website and give them a few bucks. It is Public Radio after all.

Urban Medium - I know I've sung the praises of UM here a few times in the past, but I love them so I'm going to do it again. I FINALLY got the cash together to get Kim Jong iLL framed. I placed the order and dropped them off last weekend and will hopefully have them back in the next 3-4 weeks. Now, they have a new Charles Manson / Hello Kitty print that's pretty amazing. I'm gonna have to see if we have room for that too. On it's own, it wouldn't be a hard sell, but she is giving up a substantial chunk of wall space for the three prints I'm already getting framed. Not sure that she wants to live in a UM gallery.

Rue Morgue - I've been picking up this magazine at the bookstore from time to time and it's always been entertaining to me. It's an amazing collection of all things horror in all its art forms. Specifically though, this year's Halloween issue is fantastic. Filled with lists of best ever gore films, reviews for novels and video games, and just fun reading over all. If you don't mind stills of nude people impaled on giant poles, this magazine is for you (or maybe just me).

True Blood - Alan Ball, the genius behind Six Feet Under (my favorite television show of all time), is now giving us vampires in rural Louisiana. Lots of blood, sex, death, and black comedy in a show that imagines life after vampires have come out of the closet. Jen said it best: "I can't wait for this show to be over so we can buy it and watch it all again."

Good Morning,

Got in to work this morning and about an hour in my system crashed leaving me unable to access the program I need to be productive. Because it's so early, the Helpdesk isn't in yet and I'm left on my own to figure out what to do. I figured I'd check in with my 2.4 faithful readers.

It's always interesting to me when I get pulled out of my world and reminded of all the things taking place around me that I'm not aware of. I drive past the OSU Hospital and James Cancer Research Hospital at least a couple of weeks without so much as a glance. It's a strange little world there, but with my recent visits it's a world I'm getting used to. I've memorized my way through the maze of hallways to get through the main hospital to the wing my sister in law is spending her days in watching daytime TV and going for short, stubby-legged walks. I watch her smile and thank everyone who comes into her room, from the stressed nursing staff to the volunteer coordinator who rambled in to drop off the hospital's television guide and information package.

My job is to hang out for a few (while not making her laugh - the incision kills her when she laughs) and then try to drag my brother out of the room for a few. Sunday he let me take him to dinner, but last night was just a walk around the courtyard.

The courtyard is a big green open space surrounded by the U shape of the hospital and parking garages. It's where patients circuit the walkways and family members sneak cigarettes despite the recorded voice reminding everyone that the entire property is smoke free. The courtyard is where chemo patients come to vomit between their feet while trying to get some fresh air. Mothers and daughters hug each other near the tables set up and fathers bring bags of cheap Chinese food from the food court located near the visitor's parking garage. All the while, leaves the size of dinner plates float lazily back and forth like a sheets of paper blown off a teacher's desk.

---

Strange thing happened the other night. I get in the elevator behind a rather large woman who is dragging around an IV stand. Her bald head is kept warm by a handkerchief she has knotted and pulled over her, and she smiles as she asks me what number I need.

"Eighth floor, please." I say.

"Ah, eight. Good number. I just want to know what happened to the sixth floor."

I smile politely, not quite sure what she's saying, but follow her eyes to the lighted display above the door showing us what floor we're on. Sure enough, there's no sixth floor.

"Hmmm." I said. "I didn't even notice that."

"Yeah, it's pretty strange." she replied.

"Well, it is a research hospital. I bet that's where all the action is. And since they're hiding it, it's either really good stuff that happens there or really bad."

The elevator stopped at the Fifth floor, her stop. She was chuckling to herself.

"Well, I'm going to go find it. I'm on a mission. I'll let you know how it goes. Have a good one."

"Good luck." I said as the door closed.

Sitting in the Waiting Room

Blogging from my phone from a hospital waiting room. My sister in law is on the table right now and they're removing more cancer that was just discovered. Her recovery time just doubled as a result. but she'll be ok. I'm not sure what to do with myself here in all this quiet.

The ceiling rises above me five stories. At the top is a balloon that got away from someone. It's a bit shrivelled and deflated making me think it has been up there a week or so.

There's no TV here but rather a monitor with patient's surgical updates displayed. Each patient is assigned a code number so there are no confidentiality issues. Nikki's code is 27313. I plan on addressing her as such from now on.

...

It's now hours later, and things have settled down. Nikki's surgery, which was supposed to be around two hours long, wound up being just over four after they found some suspicious cells along her bowel. The surgery went very well though, and they are confident that everything that could have been a problem was either removed or burned to a crisp. She's got a long recovery, but she's doing great so far. Good news pretty much across the board.

Jen and I debated going to see the Blue Jackets play tonight as it's their home opener, but decided to put it off. Watched the game on television instead and am now heading to bed. It's been a long day.

Vote for John Obama

I am so done with this election.

I am done with debates, and commercials, and office discussions, and editorials, and t-shirts, and bumper stickers, and phone calls, and junk mail. I'm going to donkey-punch the next person I hear talking about how decisions will change the face of Main Street. We all know the truth: Obama is a terrorist just waiting for his chance to suicide bomb the Whitehouse from inside and McCain is actually George Bush hiding in a Mr. Melanoma Halloween costume.

The other day I actually heard someone say that we're really voting for who we want to be vice president. The logic being that if Obama is elected, some backwoods hillbilly fuck will take him out on behalf of his fellow god-fearing Klansmen and if McCain scores the big house he's going to kick the bucket in a year on his own. God help us on both counts.

Lots of people will say that politicians are all criminals and that it really doesn't matter if you vote or not. This always seemed lazy to me. It's an admission of defeat getting you off the hook for all the research you should be doing and all the bad debates you should be watching. To participate in an active democracy, you should be punishing yourself by reading everything you can get your hands on. You should study. You should take each "fact" and research it to find the truth. This used to be what I thought.

Now, when it comes to the political realm, I have to admit I believe the truth is an invention. Almost everyone selects a news source that is pandering to ideas and beliefs they have already. People get told what they want to hear, and get angry if a new idea is introduced to their picture of the way things are. A candidate's past character flaws are revealed by one camp and then explained away by the other. Voting records are trivialized with deft recanting reminiscent of the Jedi Mind Trick. Opinions are manufactured by people who have made an art of making people think what they want them to think.

A fact will come out about one of the candidates that seems potentially damning, but then three perfectly plausible explanations for that fact are brought out in the light and you are back to not knowing what to think. So, you go back to your media outlet of choice to soak in the comfort of being told you were right all along.

And I realize there are some of you who actually enjoy this process. You enjoy the research, the debates, the issues, the lies and the truths of it all. You'll stay up to watch the DVR'd debate just one more time so you can be certain you missed nothing. It's entertainment. A twisted filthy form akin to midget porn if you ask me, but entertainment none the less.

Millions of people love watching baseball on TV. I don't get that shit either.

But yes, I will vote. Last election I waited over two hours to cast my ballot and I was happy (sort of) to do so. When I cast my vote this year though it will not be with the thought that I am voting for the party that is going to actually make all the right decisions. It will not be a punishment leveled at someone because I blame them for the current economic situation we're in. And, it will not be because I think I am truly going to be represented.

It will be because there's part of me that still has hope. Maybe, even though someone might not seem like the right person, maybe they'll be the right person in the right place at the right time. I think the responsibility is to try to position the candidate you believe really has the best chance of achieving greatness, and then just sit back and hope for the best.

I know there are some who have a million arguments to make against this posting. Your ideas will be well thought out, reasoned, and quite possibly correct while my clumsy opinions of all things political most likely wouldn't stand up to any real debate. I never claimed to be a political thinker, I just know how I feel about it all. So don't email me telling me I'm wrong. I don't care. I just can't wait until this is all over so everyone can go back to talking about Monday Night Football or whatever the hell you people talk about during non-election years. Go team.

Good to See You

Hi there. How you been?

I've been away for awhile, I know. I've been a busy man, and it seems like Ye Olde Blog always suffers as a result. Not that I'm as busy as I'd like to think. I'm sure that will become painfully obvious the more I write this "catching up" posting. To be fair, I'm quite sure that I'm not doing much of anything but have inflated my own importance by feigning busyness when in fact there are plenty of hours in each day to do all the things I want to do. Ah, inflating my own importance. That doesn't sound out of line with someone narcissistic enough to have a blog in the first place, I suppose.

Ah well, at any rate, I feel busy sometimes. I'm writing a bit here and there, Jen and I have developed a rather unhealthy addiction to Dr. Mario (now available for download on Wii), I'm trying to find a home for a short story of mine called "Bridge", I'm saving pennies for a fun little creative side project (super secret), and a lot of other stuff that just has to be done but is zero fun to write about. You know, it's just life. By and large, it's good right now.

So, I'll try to post a bit more often, but for now I'll leave you with the following:
Back several months ago, the cubicle farm I worked in was right beside some desks occupied by Subprime Loan Officers. That's right, a handful of the people responsible (sort of) for our current economic woes were in my midst. To call them loud and annoying would have been an understatement. To call their management team interesting would be kind. To call their decorating sense tasteful would be a joke. For months I had to go into an office decorated with the following signs. These are the real deal...grainy cell phone pictures taken on the day they moved to another building. I walked around their workspace taking pictures and telling them how much I was going to miss them. Hmmmm.

The last one is still my favorite. In addition to being obnoxious, it makes no sense whatsoever. Seriously. Try reading it aloud for kicks.

"You suck"

"You know what would be great? If we could find a sign that would let everyone know we're douche bags with just one glance..."

"Synergize!"

"HABIT!!!"

Playing Hooky

So, Jen and I get up early on Thursday to go get a bit of her cancerous neck removed. We get to the office, and after some discussion, they let us know that they're not going to remove it that morning, rather schedule us out for another month. We were bummed...it was going to be nice to just have it all taken care of and be able to put it out of our thoughts for a bit. Jen apologized for having me take off work and waste our time, and I decided the day wouldn't be a waste at all.

We went and did some shopping. We picked up the new Ben Folds and a pair of running pants for her at Target, and then went in to the jewelry store where we bought our wedding rings to get mine re sized. I haven't worn my ring in the past couple of months because it was falling off my finger, and since I've kind of leveled out weight-wise I figured it would be good to appear married to the general public once again.

The salesman at the store was pretty funny. He had taken my plain gold wedding band into custody and was writing up the work order for me while joking about getting Jen a bigger diamond for her ring. He kept pulling out full carat loose diamonds and teasing me for not upgrading her ring. I told him that I had been thinking about becoming the kind of guy who wears pinkie rings, and he busted out a nice square ring with about a million little diamonds in it. For two grand, I could look fly.

"Well, if you're done messing around and are ready for some serious bling, let's go get you a watch." the salesguy said. He led me over to a watch case and pulled out a gold Rolex. When he strapped it to my wrist I swear I wouldn't be able to hold my hand up. That thing must have weighed eight pounds. Jen thought it was funny to see me wearing a Rolex since I don't wear anything but my wedding ring. Funny, that is, until she saw the $30,000 price tag on it. Once she saw that, she was ready to have me give it back.

Once we were done screwing around there we went over to the Japanese steakhouse that we go to every once in awhile for lunch. It was funny being there on a work day, getting drunk on over sized bottles of Sapporo and glasses of plum wine. Everyone else around us seemed to be on a schedule while we sat around and drank and ate spicy tuna roll.

From there we just bummed around. We made a stop at a tattoo shop where I went through their books of fonts, wanting to pick something out for my arms. Finding nothing, I settled on a stop at Best Buy (Iron Man and the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre hit Blu-ray this week) and went home to watch a comic book character blow shit up.

I really hope that the next time we go to have doctor hack into her face we have another day like that one. Beats working any day.