Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Marijuana Will Straight Up Kill You, Son

I refuse to believe that Nancy Reagan lied to me. Marijuana kills, right? I mean sure, maybe not right away, but eventually. I mean, it's the gateway drug. Smoking a joint is the equivalent of smoking half a pack of cigarettes. Osama bin Laden is funding terrorist attacks right now one dime bag at a time, and there you sit on your couch with your laptop overheating doing nothing about it. How dare you?

So, how is it possible, that Michael Phelps smokes weed? When did he find time to train while getting stoned, stealing to support his habit, raping women, and eating pints of Ben & Jerry's? It goes against everything I've ever learned. Don't tell me it's possible that Nancy wasn't telling the truth. Say it's anything other than that.

If we know anything, it's that drug use will prevent you from performing in athletics at a high level (no way do pro athletes indulge in recreational drugs), becoming President of the United States, being a respected artist, graduate college, or from being a cop. No way can excellence and marijuana usage coexist.

Now that I've done some research though, I can't help but wonder how we missed the signs. Take this picture for example. It's obvious that he's ripped. No sober man would raid the bushes for a makeshift "Nature Hat". And just look at that awkward smile that seems to scream "I need a toke". Plus, he's holding up that medal like he's willing to trade it for for a quarter of Indiana Ditch Weed. Sad. So so sad.

Thank God he's got six medals. Hopefully he won't have to get more creative when it comes to what he's willing to trade to feed his addiction.

Armed with the facts I've been provided during the course of America's War on Drugs, I think it can be clearly stated that Michael Phelps is supporting future terrorists attacks. I don't like to call anyone out in writing like this, but his obvious hatred of America makes me feel more comfortable discussing it.

If only he could do something in a public setting that would be amazing enough to overshadow his wanton spliff sucking. If only he could pull off a feat of such amazing proportions that we'd be forced to overlook him unwinding over a bong hit or three. If only...

I'm not a smoker. I don't experiment with substances of any kind. Still, I don't know how it's possible we're still having these discussions. The fact that marijuana is criminalized floors me. The fact that the sick don't have access to it for medicinal purposes angers me. However, the fact that some dude who did the "Monkey Boy Dance" for his nation wants to relax in his own special way doesn't even phase me. If you want me on your bandwagon, call me when he's shooting heroin directly in his eye and blowing members of the dive team for $10 a shot.

Until then, smoke 'em if you got 'em, Mikey my boy. Put on some Cypress Hill, open a cold 40 oz, and roll one up. We'll get over it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You sarcastic muff hucker. LOL. More power to the kid for proving that not all smokers are burn outs.